在那远方

在那远方我仿佛听见你的呼唤，你的慰问。虽然遥远，但却清晰。在感情王海里，是那么特殊，那么真诚。或许是我自己胡乱猜想，也许根本就没这回事。感觉上是在自欺欺人，但也不愿意这样。心中那么混浊，生命似乎不能有所期盼。对于我周边的事，我似乎总是不能搞清楚，做清楚。我不想这样，但又一筹莫展。一线线希望，恐怕将随着我的无奈而遗憾离去，一场欢喜一场空。

Next, temp work hasn't been anything fun at all. To say the least, it silences the drive in me to do more productive work. But it was my choice in the first place, so i have no rights to reproach myself. All i can do is to see how time can be better utilised, how emotions can be better managed. As quoted from a few posts back ago, life after ORD wouldn't be as easy as expected. There are challenges in every phase of our life, to avoid it is tantamount to cowardice. To grudge is to reinforce the discomfort we face, and to sulk and get depressed is to weaken oneself even before the battle starts. It is inevitable, so face it.

Emotional Dysfunction

好景不常在，好花不常开，天有不测之风云，人有旦夕祸福.

Some things are just borne to be beyond our control. But some things are. Well, when one's health is not optimum, one realises how important it is. Humans are said to be the smart, but yet they need the alarm bell to resonate through their ears to send a message across. This shows how immature we are emotionally, though intellectually we might be far superior than any other species. Aren't human relations the same? They are complex, untouchables, and of course unfathomable.

You can't impose something on someone, cannot coerce them to feel happy, and most of all you cannot dictate their emotions. Us, being the external environment to an individual, might at best provide a stimulus, upon which it is incumbent on the individual's receptors to discern and interpret beneficial messages sent across, and of course act on it hopefully. Sometimes u might feel that ur receptors are just one of a kind, or maybe they are like antibiotic resistant bacteria which have developed immunity in our body. They are wilful and impervious to a particular kind of stimulus. That is why the onset of nagging having little or no effect on people, recalcitrants unable to cast off their delinquency, or even simple humans like us unable to get on with our lives in the desirable way we want.

This phenomenon is the underlying cause of procrastination. It is the sole detriment of insufficient motivation, or for people who find it always difficult to stick to a preplanned schedule. They often give excuses to cover up their incompetencies and inept. Well, our body always have a kind of feedback mechanism which is self-defensive. When u are slightly out of equilibrium, for example, u are slightly late, behind schedule, or score lesser marks then expected in an exam, the conscious mind would seek to provide mitigating reasons to legitimise our errors, recomposing ourselves. This is of course if the deviation is found to be within our threshold of acceptance. But beyond this threshold, most of us would plunge into emotional roller coasters, experiencing depression, grief, and despondency. In the long term, it might be mood swings, irritability and prolonged mental illnesses.

We have to rein in the situation. We have to get in control of ourselves. I guess in some of my ancient posts i have touched on concepts like getting out of your own mind frame, isolating our emotions, and also on a change in stimulus. But with my personal experience, these are all not so easily achieved. Why? These changes are lacking in a rudimental purpose. The dearth of a substantial philosophy for the change. Yes, if u get it now, the question to ask is: Why change? Can't i allow myself to live around like this? If u feel intuitively that things should not carry on like this but yet u feel unable to initiate this change, seek help from those around you. Look at some of the people who are living the lifestyle that u desire to change for. Mix around with them more often, and ask if they could help you with adapting their kind of lifestyle.

Many people claim words are like arrows, they pierce through emotions. But yet words fail terribly when it comes to inspiring a person feeling helpless, unmotivated, and disenchanted. Action speak louder than words. Lead the way. Provide help by getting the person involve in his or her change. Let the person feel the love and purpose of the journey of what he seeks to achieve.

Just like a gun without bullets or a chef without his ingredients, an action without purpose seems at best half hearted and inefficient. At worse, it looks just like a balloon released freely allowing air inside to escape. It looks silly, and unleashes an avalanche of consequences which are mostly emotional, psychological and spiritual. This continues to torment our soul, grinds our determination, and debilitates our resolve towards the problem. A vicious cycle could be set up if subsequent attempts to solve the problem does not identify with a rooted purpose.

So tackle the problem at its roots. This is usually the hardest part and what people preconceive as the dormant and unproductive phase. But that is actually the most valuable and indispensable period. We need to generate a reason to drive our subsequent actions. And such inner soul-searchin as they call it should not be rushed. First let your soul be free of worries. Tell yourself that nothing in life should ever worry you so much, because life itself is abundant, and you are larger than any phase, situation, obstacle, predicament or relation in life. Should any part of it collapses, life, just like time, passes, and would not empathise with you. Learn to think about life as a whole, not just being so concerned about ourselves NOW. (Warning: This is obviously easier to write in words than to put in action). But do try :)

The above is just my humble opinion, or rather some insights which spawned over these few days. I hope the above does provide some form of enlightenment. If you do have disputes about my perceptions, feel free to bring it out. As i said, its just my opinion. To those who genuinely seek help, i tried my best.

Double Kill

With double basher you definitely go on for a sweet double kill. Well, first things first. If anyone couldn't figure out what was the second basher, i shall reveal it now. Its just the process of altering the first digit of someone's age from 1 to 2. It is characterised by a painful self-realisation of growing mould, as certainly many would claim that they dont seem to look their age, or that their experience gathered through these 2 decades of existence do not commensurate their current societal recognition. Yes 20. Whether you like it or not, time has never stopped for a second. 6.3072x10^8 seconds has passed. And finally when u sink into reality, u felt as though life has suddenly given you your report card, allowing yourself to register some rude shocks and unanticipated disappointments. I remembered very vividly my last bday as if it were moments ago. Yet the same excitement always permeates our soul for that same day of the year. What is actually the meaning of one's bday? A symbol of growth? An affirmation of our maturity? Or a mere passing of time? Would a day marked out on calendar matter if we did not attach significant meaning to it?

Of course the answer to my last qn is an obvious no, as many would irrefutably claim. So what makes ur bday so special since that day u probably feel happier, eat more, and complain lesser? So what if that day serves as a grim reminder of ur age, and in some instances drives purpose into your life and allow to do some reflection? Don't we need to do constant reflections periodically in our life? Why celebrate? Why rejoice? To hype up our emotions so that we feel so special? And of course amid the greetings and wishes that pour in, u reciprocate by saying thanks. Or is it like a day where impt things happen, for instance anniversary or sth, where u feel so suddenly fairy-like when a friend whom u thought u long lost wished u so, or maybe out of the unexpected? Birthday seems so much like a great deal right?

Ok i'm sorry if the above paragraphs have driven u to a point of loathing my ramblings as well as tweaking ur thoughts on a happy occasion. Pardon me. like everyone else, just treat this as an emotional overdrive as i sorta reflected on the meaning of bdays. But do give it a thought. If everyday someone were to tell u hey today is special, would u cherish it similarly? If you yourself attach significance to the day, can u achieve the same effect?

Ok now. Next up lets talk about ORD. I think the glass at esplanade glass will shatter if existing NSFs were given a chance to scream their lungs out on their desire to ORD. So i gave it an interesting abbreviation: Oppressive Rare Disorder. There are symptoms to that as many can observe. Ranging from grumbling to chao kenging and to AWOLing, the creative juices of NSFs are never challenged. ORD to them is not just a frame of mind. Pink can suddenly be their favourite color, or they can exclaim that the air they breath in camp is fresher when they wield some kind of dusty card kept for 2 years at depot road. Well, so when i got my pink IC i was just like.. woah. Not bad. At least i didnt look that bad back then when i was 15. Any further exclamations i made? No. Just that boring comment. And sorry guys. This is just how boring i am.

So double kill has been sufficiently elaborated on. As many ORDed NSFs said, we have won the war, inspite of many failing battles. Days of living in a cage is gone. Days of living with stripes, bars, enduring seafood and galaxy gazing are fading from our memories. No more.

But something else is growing more prominent ahead. Something which is so uncertain, which doesnt gives u a time frame to an end in it. Something which thrust u to the core of its menacing claws. Welcome back to life. You are just born. A second life awaits. And u are totally clueless. U have to reorientate. If ur dominating streak in NS is to be upsetted by an incoming storm, let me tell you, you are not alone. The clumsy face has just settled in our life. A period where uncertainty becomes ur best companion, and experimenting accounts for majority of ur behaviour. Sounds scary isn't it?

For me, now the most impt thing has been to reorg my life, just like how the ppl in big organisations usually do. But time waits for no one. We have to embark on something tentative as we continue our planning, we must set sail and navigate along the way.

Ok, i really dunno what to write. Although i have lots of thoughts now. Maybe i shall just reiterate the quote to NSFs enduring the wait: "Gather what u can before the cross the river" Because, “过了这个村，就没这个店”

In short, do not disappoint the moment u are living now. Always outlive ur present value. Do not worry about the opportunity cost that comes along everytime u are told to do sth or if u are alr doing sth. As much as time is scarce and precious, not effectively maximising work done in any undertaking allocated during a period of time undermines the very existence of time, and by doing so, we are ruining our chances, our life deteriorates gradually. Respect that everything happens for a reason, and excel in circumstances that befall. To win is not to measure how much we have now, but our potential. For the strength in human nature is always our beliefs and our power of imagination.

Lastly i would like to say, thanks to those who have made my NS very memorable. If we just look at things we learn, it'll definitely be something that we would be able to take back. Treat those negative experiences as learning points. My injury might have been sustained in NS, but learning how to live with it is itself a profound wisdom. For one, life can never be perfect, but can be lived to its fullest. Everyone has his unique way of executing his triumph card.

But of course over and above the seemingly serious and solemn paragraphs, i still have to say that..

Pink is certainly a nice colour :P

OMG, ORD LOH!!

Lastly, some pictures i would like to share with u all:

Firstly, when javascript malfunctions, this is what happens :P


Secondly, even when the most popular social networking website tries to malfunction, it stills retain the truth on it.


Calvin, Cheers to u! For once, i say with my head high, ORD LOH. This is for real, and u will say it soon :)

Double Basher

Ok this might sound a bit familiar to those who play dota. but if u are thinking along those lines, u are erroneously misled :P Can make a guess what i'm referring to? If u cant, oh sorry. haha. double means two, basher means ermm.. maybe u can think of it as happiness. If u get one of them, probably u are my gd frend, if both maybe very gd fren. LOL. well ignore this sudden surge of childishness. I reckon not more than 5 would know it anyway.

The past few days were rather tiring with work. 7 days of temp, then got replaced by perm. Nothing is certain afterall right? I went to calvin's house on thurs to complete fifa 08 on his xbox. The cup as u could see below as known as ORD CUP. But well of course we were knocked out. However, having the indomitable and never say die attitude, we charged ourselves with the motivation from our sch's motto: nil sine labore, hence we embarked on another new cup known as ORD CUP 1. Well, as expected, it failed again. And so of course we persevered. FINALLY, we made it. We reached ORD CUP 3. haha. we did record the finals using calvin's handphone. it can be found at his blog at the stickam player. It was rather a crazy thing to do, but sheer fun we enjoyed. I know many of you, esp those in army who havent ORD, would loathe ORD personnel exclaiming abt it. Esp when u see the months ahead filled with uncertainty and unpredictability.

I made a comment inside the video of the cup final that life after ORD might not be as soothing and pleasant and predictable as compared to life before ORD. I can almost sense a few hard knocks on my pitiful skull. pleaase lend me ur ears? :P My BMT OC (ahem.. Ninja) once told us a phrase which is still carved in my mind. His phrase was: Gather what u can before u cross the river.

Let me give my few dollars worth. (i decided a few cents werent enough to even buy a drink :P) Crossing the river symbolises the current process or the phase of life we are going through. eg, NS-ing, studying, slacking, playing, going out with friends.. etc. It can be as long haul as like a 10 year massive financial plan, or as quick as a 1 hr dota match. Regardless of how we cross this river, be it the simple tribesman way or by ferry or cruise, we are all devoted in our paths to reach the destination. But more often then not, we are over-occupied with the goal and not the journey, the end but not the means, although the ends justify the means.

Success is a journey, not a destination. This cliche lives up to its name because ppl have all cast it aside as a cliche and never give a serious thought about it. I know NS might be tedious and mentally sapping due to our distorted predisposition of serving the nation. (disclaimer: not all of them). But trust me. If u think of how u can better utilise what u are doing to gain sth from it, even playing computer games would yield significant benefits, albeit it might be of different nature. I might probably elaborate on my NS gains after i ORD. Well we shall see how.

For now,i only have one thought in mind. Can u guess? what are u thinking? clue: double basher :)

Picture Paint A Thousand Words

In memory of my ORD, light years later...Credits to Calvin, Photoshoot of his Fifa 2008 on X Box 360 :)

---Added on 19 Oct---
Well, calvin has also humbly presented the other side of the story on his blog.. well not really the other side. Its like a far off echo, a reveberation. (look up the physics notes for resonance :P)i.e. u can see that calvin's frequency is the same as mine, (thus no damping) and there is maximum transfer of energy :) (pardon the physics, i'm trying to prove my intelligence which was credibly long lost)He aptly summarises the years of NS in 6 letters, brilliantly epitomises the mental state of all NSFs throughout our 2 "hilariously excruciating" (i absolutely have no idea what it means) years. My mind is in an alpha state; it means getting unconsciously high on an illusion, or rather something which shldnt have elicited such a response.

An excerpt from calvin's blog: "...during which he garnered 3 awards- The Reckless Driving Award (RDA), Front Parking Proficiency Award (FPPA) and the Road Shoulder Award (RAA)!!! "

Referring to my driving, i have to confess that it was really hilarious with calvin as my vehicle commander too.. if he was the TP, i would have failed more than anyone in this world had for their driving. LOL :P Well, not so dangerous actually.. we all went back in one piece.. Why??

Simple.

"we are drivers too!"

LOL.

Preoccupation

Life is sometimes mutually antagonistic. One opposes the other. One repels the other. But quite interestingly, human behaviour do exhibit yearns for the exact opposite. For example, when you are too bored, u hope to keep yourself occupied by anything in front of you. When you are lonely, you wish someone had asked about you or called u out. Or maybe u might take the initiative. This emotional tendency is almost like a reflex action.

Actually, a myriad of emotional patterns are often involuntarily. Ups and downs, and sometimes even sideway swing of emotions. Alright, i dont want to sound so complex here, not a psychologist or some analyst. The issue here is whether we are able to recompose ourselves suitably, and regain our rational thinking. Sometimes more than that is needed. Its hard to realign our thinking sometimes when we have taken a hard hit. So more often, courage is essential. The courage to shift our mindsets, gain a different context and to stem the flow of negative vibes. Preoccupation is a powerful word. It is in fact pivotal in everyone's life. Whatever we think lays the foundation for our future actions and imaginations. Its just like colour painting. U have the palette in front of u, with the various colours there. These colours are the ingredients for our painting, just like the ingredients for our thoughts. Humans relate experiences and past actions. We relate to familiarity, and tread cautiously on uncertainty, thats why we are reluctant to change. We simply dare not to step out. We are afraid to make the first move even though we might recognise that it might be for our own good.

For this i dare not prescribe any remedy, but hope such instances can be minimised. We all need this bit of courage in these "unique" times. Which are sometimes provided by close friends or kin. No man is an island, no man stands alone is probably an apt description.

Well things on my side are getting better. It was a rather eventful week with things planned. ORD's kinda near, but now it means no more than a date. A date where many anticipate so dearly to come by, but yet when it approaches, the significance and hype around it slowly fades into the distance. The irony of it all, as what i described earlier. Leave no regrets for what u do, Seize the moment to live the way u want. When life fails u, do not fail life. The broader meaning in life is not to always win the battle, but the war.

Engage in a healthy preoccupation, of our minds :) And for this, stay happy my friend !

Dimensionless Life

Have u ever experienced a dimensionless life? Felt empty within? I think most of us would at least have a short stint somewhat. It could be due to an existing incident which traumatises u, or maybe just the lack of direction to keep u sufficiently engrossed in life. No matter what it is, in a dimensionless life, a person is most susceptible to influences, more easily swayed by external factors.

Try doing nothing for one day. Some might be able to just laze around at home, camping in front of the computer and surfing random sites, watch movies and sit through the day. The more active ones will go out and laze on the streets. Notice that while the venues are different, the motives are the same. When one has nothing to attend to, wandering graps its divine opportunity, infesting our minds and soul. Someone told me recently that not doing anything is the most wasteful form of all unproductive activities. Instead of circling around decisions and options, start on one of them, for at least life is moving on.

In the days leading up to ORD, i'm almost free everyday, but it is challenging to keep myself preoccupied. I'll try to stay afloat and well in this period. Meanwhile, for those who are equally bored, maybe we can meet up :D

Just had a separate thought in my head: better late than never, is it really always true? i thought everything has a time and place on earth? or else much of its significance would be lost?

Any takers to this qn?

Beijing Trip (25 - 30 Sep 07)

25 Sep

0015 – Boarded CA 970 to Beijing
0610 – Touched Down, GW came to pick us up
0745 – Reached 什刹海体育学校, brought our baggage to 国际公寓 where we put up.
0800 – Went down to hotel basement for breakfast
0900 – Took a nap in hotel
1230 – Met GF, GM, and GW for lunch at 日昌饭店.
1400 – Headed back to hotel, chatted with GW and GF
1500 – GF brought us to 北海公园
1700 – Went back to hotel for a short rest
1830 – Dinner at 格格府 with JY, GW, JY’s parents and GF.
2115 – Headed back to hotel
2300 – Lights Off

26 Sep

0800 – Reveille
0830 – Went down to hotel basement for breakfast
0900 – JY brought us to shop at 天意商场
1200 – Proceeded to 京味楼 near GW’s house for lunch with GW, JY and her parents.
1330 – Went up to GW’s house.
1600 – Went back to hotel for a rest
1730 – Headed for 王府井 for shopping and dinner
2200 – Reached back hotel
2300 – Lights Off

27 Sep

0730 – Reveille
0800 – Went down to hotel basement for breakfast
0900 – Met GW, GF and set off to 八达岭长城
1200 – Lunched at 狗不理 at foot of 八达岭长城
1245 – Left 八达岭, headed back to hotel to meet 刘大夫
1500 – Had a consultation with the doctor.
1600 – Went back to hotel.
1700 – GW and GF came up to our room for a chat
1800 – GW, GF left, we strolled down 地安门外街 ( Shopped at 地百商场)
1900 – Dined at 永和豆浆, continued our strolling
2000 – Headed back to hotel, en route 荷花市场.
2230 – Lights Off

28 Sep

0730 – Reveille
0800 – Went down to hotel basement for breakfast
1000 – GW came to pick us to meet YH, discussed about Lifestyles’ business
1300 – Walked down to a 老北京 restaurant
1400 – GW dropped us for shopping at 华联广场 and 新世界商场
1700 – GW picked us up and we went for dinner at a small eatery at the back alleys
1900 – Went back to hotel
2300 – Lights Off

29 Sep

0800 - Reveille
0830 – Breakfast in hotel room
0900 – JY picked us up, proceeded to 故宫博物院
1230 – Went down to 秀水街 for shopping
1500 – GW cane to pick us up
1530 – Reached GF mum’s house
1600 – Headed back to hotel
1700 – GW and GF came to our rooms, chatted.
1745 – Went to 日昌饭店for dinner
1830 – Finished dinner and proceeded to 天安门
1915 – Toured the vicinity
2030 – Reached back hotel
2330 – Lights Off

30 Sep

0800 – Reveille
0830 – Breakfast in hotel room
0900 – Went down 地安门外街 to shop at the mini天意商场
1030 – Went back hotel
1100 – GW and JY came to pick us up, GW fetched us to airport.
1200 – Reached airport
1355 – Flight CA 957 to Xiamen (Transit)
1700 – Touched down at Xiamen Airport (Transit flight scheduled for 1745 delayed)
2030 – Boarded flight back to Singapore

1 Oct

0140 – Touched down at Changi Airport
0230 – Reached home

Overall:

It has been a relaxing, yet memorable and fulfilling trip. I really appreciate the generous hospitality from my godbrother GW, godsister JY, godfather (GF), godmother (GM) and JY’s parents. Really wanna say thank you all for making this trip possible. Though the five-day trip was a bit short, I enjoyed every bit of it, from the shopping, eating, or even slacking the hotel rooms watching the myriad variety of television channels. Time spent traveling wasn’t bored for me too as I spent most of my time gazing at the sceneries and how the locals lived. I didn’t really bought much souvenirs though, but to me the experience that I had mattered the most. It’s been a worthwhile trip consuming 5 days of my leave, a great vacation away from army life, though ORD leave and off has already put my mood on vacation long ago. I really hope to visit China once again. There are many more places in Beijing alone which I did not have time to visit. This time round I’m not so emotional as the Guangzhou trip last year. But definitely I do miss the life there! The short stay has been enriching :)

As I Depart

The flight to China is at 0015 hours later. Now catching a last opportunity to blog! heh :P This time i'm going with my mum to Beijing, hopefully it would be a fruitful and enjoyable one. Its really a good departure from my NS, a much deserved break i guess. The very last trip i made to guangzhou/hk in nov last year was against the backdrop of my injury. It was a recuperative trip in seek of treatment. But i guess my slipdisc has improved greatly. Well, at least with such optimistic thinking things cant possibly be bad :) Ok, honestly, even as i am about to leave home now, i do feel a tinge of nostalgia, thinking of ppl here and there. Well, as excited as the remaining days are about to be, the nostalgic feeling is inevitably present. Yes, only 5 days.. coming back this sun at night.

Ok! Instead of wake me up when september ends, let me change it. I'll be back when september ends :) Cya everyone, o genki de!

Why?

Of all the five Ws and one H, i still think "Why" is the most empowering and significant one. Its the key motivator to life, galvanising our every actions and doings. Though life often revolves around the what, who, when and where of our existence, the seemingly subliminal purpose or why forms the cornerstone of our behaviour. The why provides the fuel, the mind sets the direction. And there we are, catapulted into this life labyrinth. As reluctant, disorientated, unguided, or disenchanted we are, we are surrounded by obstacles, traps and opportunities. Some appear clearer than the others. I guess the future is a function of our present. And thats why it is imaginery, it is unknown. Ok, before i digress too much into maths, i think i should stop here.

Well, i started counting working days instead of absolute days. doshite? cos absolute days appear too demoralising to an ORD personnel at this stage.. esp with one or two months, the most gruelling period. So now workings days are well below 10. Actual number up to u to guess! I completed my HIV test yesterday, with soon heng and daniel. As we expected, we were guinea pigs for the trainee medic. SH and i got poked on both arms, while daniel, after hearing our stories, requested for the senior medic to do it for him. I wouldnt go about recounting the process, ask me if u want. haha! lest i frighten the rest of them.

Ok, really have nothing much to update on my life for now. Maybe it'll get more eventful after my overseas trip!

挥之不去

有些事情或人往往让我如走马看花观望一番，但有些却令我难以忘怀，挥之不去. 这也许是人性的特征！心中种种欲望，至今无法适当的达成，实在是遗憾. 相信人往往有徘徊的时候，有踌躇，犹豫的时候. 可能我的弱点是往往处于被动状态,没有趁火打铁,把握机会. 又或许是一筹莫展?

有些事尚可顺其自然,船到桥头自然直. 但有些却得当机立断,快刀斩乱麻,不然带给人和事都没有好处!

Procrastination has been the cause of most evil, maybe its time to turn the stage around. The longer we hold, the greater the unpredictability we face. Unknown unknowns are the worst of all uncertainty we can expect. Its like having a time bomb ticking in our lives, unleashing its fury on us. Its like a punishment for our hesitation, a lesson for leaving things till the end, or to allow fate to resolve our problems.

Just take my leave and off schedule for example. There was a major screw up after a restructuring of my unit resulted in forceful interference of my forecasted schedule. Well, wont elaborate here as u know its sensitive. But one thing which i learnt after reading a book is: it is not the events that occur that are important in life, but the kind of significance we attach to these events. Ok, i think i can safely say that irregardless of any unpalatable sentiments i bear towards the schedule planning, it is always another form of blessing in its own disguise. And this disguise can only be discovered by ourselves :)