Souless-Existence

For how many times in our lives do we feel that we have been unfairly treated, but yet lack the authority to uphold justice for ourselves? Sometimes there might just be that tiny chance of hope to fight for our own rights, but yet we let it pass by because of insufficient courage. Sometimes i hate myself for not being able to go all out for what i really want to pursue, in all aspects of my life. Its just that dithering in me that retards my efficiency in life, and i fear that it might prove costly to me some day. Procrastination, yes it might sound as if i am a patient of this disease, but being an optimistic person, you could also think it another way. Procrastination can also create the time u need to carefully consider ur options again.

Somehow i feel that my life is impeded. I seem to possess this humongous inertia which takes more than willpower to overcome it. Probably it needs a nasty nudge. Well, i must say that although my life now doesnt really need me to step out of my comfort zone to mug or do something so intensively, i really think that by just squandering day by day away, i'm not much worse off than spending a life in prison. I know i might have intentionally exaggerated, but that is how i genuinely feel at my inept. I'm now like a free rotating weak magnet dangling around to face whatever's near that is attracting me, constantly changing my direction of motion. If life is a cumulative process, i would at best have accomplished nothing.

Sometimes i wish turning the time back to jc or sec sch years, where although time might be tight, i was spiritual bound to a cause for existence. My soul now revolves around transience and instant gratification. My immediate desires are easily fulfilled, but my long term goals are increasing obscured. As the time passes by, i plunge deeper into this abyss of self-disintegration, or what many call as rotting. I need to save myself, and i am fully aware that i am my only saviour.

I have always been trying hard. And i will continue to do so. I'm fortunate i can at the very least still realise my deterioration. It is really true to hear people say that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Something has to turn out as a result of my tenacity, and that remains to be seen. I shall elaborate no further, as if u realise this is also part of my rotting at work.

Till next time then. Nil Sine Labore.