What do you need?

"Once you understand the needs of the market, product is unimportant, competition is irrelevant"

Very mind-blowing statement. An advice by a Venture Capitalist. However its the crux of business existence. Trying to think of a competitive edge for your business? Answer the needs, and you get your competitive edge. Why? Because if you eventually dwell into specific needs of the paying customers, you will realise that competition is indeed irrelevant. You are competing against no one, but yourself. Some say, the blue ocean strategy.

This applies to life as well. You are just like the market. Knowing who are are, what are your priorities in life, what you value in life, your personality and strengths furnish information about the product - you. As you really discover what drives you, where your passion lies, you will realise that in life there is no competitor. There is no benchmark. Everyone becomes a unique blueprint instantaneously. 

The ultimate question of asking about what a good life is all about, what life is most worth living, and issues of well-being, Subjective well being, life satisfaction etc to me has a common underpinning: Are we meeting our own needs? No matter what we are talking about, be it happiness, achievement, fame, legacy, security, comfort, freedom. All these outcomes/products, do they matter? The product is unimportant once you understand your need. You will take the necessary action to reach the appropriate outcome, and naturally your good life will be achieved.

Lets once again think through who we actually are, or if we do not have the answers now, lets be mindful, make a conscious effort in discovering what we like, talk to people to discover our strengths, and read up to understand more about our own human psyche. The road to self-actualisation begins with a single intention. 

And that is all is required for a flourishing life. 

renewed. recharged. a new beginning!

With my awfully long disappearance from the blogging world, i know inevitably my time has blazed past. My Summer has been busy with house moving. From renovating the new house, to shifting and unpacking of stuff, getting furniture etc, i feel as though my life is like a never-ending to-do list. One after the other. Loads of admin to change addresses, loads of bargain hunting, and more importantly, loads of time being siphoned to be present at the new house being a supervisor, inspector, and coordinator. One type of works after another, proper coordination of deliveries, and timely arrangements of installations which are crucial to avoid any domino effect in house renovation schedule. All these certainly were piling pressures that exerted itself on my daily, otherwise unadorned life.

But YES, thats what also spiced up my life. The never-ending lists of things to do presented itself as unceasing opportunities for learning, constantly challenging my motivation and determination. They remind you how humble you should remain as a person in this world trying to eke out a daily existence. They add flavour into our daily routine activities - how often do you ever concern yourself with the material of your kitchen solid top, or the length of your bathroom mirror? how much do you understand about the nature of floor and wall tiles, the varnishing of wood, and perhaps the specifications of your toilet bowl? And i am very appreciative of that - to be able to get exposure, despite not being very informed about it still. And of course, renovation and house moving do not happen many times in one's life, unless of course money is infinite for you and you love to shift houses.

Besides that, and more ceremoniously perhaps, house moving can signify the ushering in of a new life. Hence my title - renewed and recharged. I need a new life. A life which i have an improved well-being - PERMA (Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, Achievement). And i know the root of all these changes have to start within myself. Just like building a tall skyscraper, you would need to prepare the necessary scaffolding and foundations. I think a change in environment is likened to the scaffolding. You need to institute new routines, activities and lifestyle changes to facilitate a change in your life - in this case for a better well-being. Some of these structures i have put in place as for now:

1. Defining places to do certain stuff at home. For e.g. study room just to study, bedroom just to sleep, balcony just to reflect
2. Taking a swim everyday
3. Writing down What Went Well every night before i sleep
4. Treating my house as a recreation resort, 'checking in' into a chalet.

I believe that mental conditioning and proactive exercises are the key to changes. Sometimes just using the mind may not be enough. In 'doing', you get to set up a virtuous cycle where you first reap the benefits of such actions which feed into subsequent motivation to further your doings :)

It's been a week since i started writing What Went Well. Me and a few friends have started on a blog to encourage everyone to share and get inspired by others. Knowing and appreciating things that went well helps us to count our blessings, aid us to feel fulfilled. Humans are always going through ups and downs. Borrowing a professor's words, we need to give ourselves the permission to be human. to have the right to experience the myriad of emotions when subjected to life circumstances. But at the same time, we have to possess the resilience, to be able to cope with them effectively, and rise above occasions. And to do it, we have to create avenues and structures for change by ourselves. No wonder they say everything starts from within.

Indeed, when Magaret Mead said:

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has"

Never underestimate the power of the mind and human will :)

Imperfect = I m Perfect

Humans are not perfect. We all know this. But why do humans really err? Why despite all experiences, learning and accumulated wisdom over the years, we do not essentially be impeccable? Is it because there are too many variables in life that is out of our locus of control? Or just that human tendencies prevent us from doing everything right or perfect all the time?

Since many years ago, i have understood the meaning of the phrase on my MSN nick: Life is about progress, not perfection. It may seem to be an excuse for not striving hard enough for perfection, but more importantly, it has served as a beacon of encouragement in times where i know things are not turning out the way i want to at the end of the day. Perhaps that is nature taking its course, its slow but inevitable path that allows me to absorb what is presented along the way. Indeed, being imperfect gives us an opportunity to learn. And all the achievement that arise from learning, ever since we are young, builds our self-esteem and self-efficacy. We like to feel that we are competent.

But in life, imperfections arise everywhere.. personal imperfection is called a weakness. Interpersonal imperfections represents relational gaps that affect how two parties get along with each other. Imperfections, like all objects, interact with each other, leading to possible conflicts and dissatisfaction. Due to the negativity bias in humans, we often observe the only black sheep among the flock of whites - the imperfection. We look at the error which seems ever so glaring amidst a track record, no matter how impressive it might be. 

But HEY! Stop there! What you look out there as an imperfection has its reasons for existing as one. 

Now let me give you my perspective on why humans are imperfect. We humans are always living the best that we can be, or rather we would always want to present the best side of us to others, no matter what we do. It is a natural tendency to give our best, because we would always crave the self-affirmation, and would love to validate ourselves. And so i can safely conclude that given the set of external circumstances we are facing, and with the frame of mind cultivated by past experiences and our personalities, we are dealing with life the best possible way we can. In actual fact, we have given our very best. And Yes, you did not hear me wrong. I was talking about imperfection. When you gave your very best, in fact, it was never perfect. It was still imperfect. Just like a runner who always tries to break his own race timing, he is always giving his best at every attempt, but he is never perfect. In fact, if you take the benchmark of say a Olympic Qualifying record to just an amateur runner, he is imperfect. In short,  imperfect from your eyes. But in his eyes, that is his very best. To him, he could not have done better. Humans are never imperfect in their own eyes. It applies to all of us, and thats why we do not like being labeled imperfect, we do not love scoldings. We do not wish to know that we are lousy, because we have given our all.

Maybe afterall, there is no such thing as being perfect or imperfect. Because it depends on the lens through which you view it. And the fact is clear that no matter how perfect or imperfect you are, we always learn from what we have, and who we are. 

Meeting the Big Boss

As life challenges get thrown at you and major hurdles present you with insufficient time to effectively deal with them, I know only one word - overwhelmed. These few days have been practically a bullet train to me, and will always be for me before the academic year begins. As my inner expectations mount, i have been reminding myself often to keep my instep realisations deep in my heart - that life is not a rat race. To prevent getting yourself into a rat race in the future does not justify getting yourself into frenzy mode now. And yet i always have that feeling that i am in a state of overdrive. Time passes me without even caring to acknowledge my presence. No Hi, No bye.

I feel an internal struggle in me so hard that it seems to be a time bomb in me ticking even though i seem to be able to quell it momentarily. Just like the Iceland volcano that may erupt anytime. I know i am facing the greatest enemy of my life - the big boss, none other than my dear self. Fighting against yourself is no mean feat. Sometimes, they say that resistance is futile. Knowing that you have to counter the very device that you have meticulously created to work perfectly is one on hand seemingly ridiculous, and on the other hand cowardly. The power of our subconscious desires that have always been governing our behaviours, actions and responses can not be underestimated. We may not understand them completely, but they are operating on us incessantly. In a way, we have to decipher who we are, why we behave in this way.

When we learn of new ideas and new desires, we hope to assimilate and integrate them into our way of life. We hope to achieve some goals, targets and objectives we set for ourselves at various points in life. But when these beliefs contradict some of the existing motives inside us and we do not even realise it, this spells trouble. We face the big boss.

When we fight the big boss in arcade simulation games, we always aim to beat it till it KOs. In life, you don't kill the boss. You have to live with it, make adjustments, and find a way out. Spend some time, understand the boss, and have the courage to take it on.

The process is in itself as rewarding, because even if you fail, you will still get a second chance in life. Keep trying :)

INSTEP Reflections

The first half of 2011 spent on student exchange in Ireland has come to a glamorous end. It has been a period of living in a ‘retreat’ mode, with minimum academic commitments and a lot more free time on my own. It also served as an apt platform for reflective insight into the past few years of my life, or I should accurately say, the 2 decades of my life,  stuck in the ‘rat race’ of life. You might ask, why  ‘rat race’ when I ain’t exactly working yet. Years and years of rigidly sticking to the education system has nevertheless groomed me to be a literate individual, but has also to a large extent created a large void in me. A void in the purpose of life, one of living life to its fullest. There hasn’t been any pit-stop for me to compose my thoughts and do what I like, and in so doing, discover who I truly am. These 6 months allowed me to do an analysis of my life.

First and foremost, I have compared and contrasted the totally different lifestyles I lived in Singapore and Ireland. One which was fast and hectic without any time to spare for downtime, as compared to one that had minimal stress and more than enough time for me to indulge in some soul searching. The peace of mind and tranquility in Ireland was something that I had, and I would love to continue possessing. Lets now face the reality of Singapore life with the myriad of commitments. As I contemplate on how I can reconcile the avalanche of pressures with a tranquil mind, I soon discover that what I really needed was a ‘brake’, not a ‘break’. To slow things down, but not to stop things. Some commitments have to be cast aside, thrown away, and pushed to lower priority, simply because time is limited. To enjoy a high quality of life, I belief in not trying to finish everything on the plate, but savouring whatever it is we choose to eat. In other words, I have to start selecting things I want to do, and ignore some of my over-demanding self expectations. And it will not be easy to surmount this internal self that has been exerting subconscious influence on my thinking. Time will be the only judge for this, but I am pretty confident that this exchange has made me more aware of instituting a ‘brake’ mechanism in my life – to not go into an unceasing overdrive and undermining the very purpose of my daily undertakings.

Secondly, I’ve pondered quite hard on this topic of friendship. If you meet a person, are you necessary a friend? What does a ‘friend’ mean to me? I believe, someone who believes and commits his time to help you grow is a friend. Someone who engages more than superficial communication, materialistic interests and casual outings. Someone who has the courage to point out your mistakes and yet retain a sense of humility. Yet in my life, these friends are few and far between. I have been for some times conceptualizing the formation of a peer support group surrounding one’s life. It will be a closely knitted group with the primary role of enhancing self-actualisation of the individual in a nutshell. Getting together to share about life, the lessons learnt, the everyday occurrences, and the goals and desires. Channeling together the resources of a group to boost the performance of an individual, for e.g. providing emotional support, lending a listening ear, or dispensing advice. Knowing that we have access to communal help and especially close social comrades instills resilience in us and contribute to a positive well-being. But of course, the fundamental criteria behind this type of relationship is unconditional acceptance and positive regard for who the individual is.

Thirdly, I would like to touch on the topic of habituation once again. Having traveled for more than 30 days in total, covering 10 countries and 20 cities, I’ve been quite sick of traveling to be honest. Backpacking, budgeting and city hopping were essentially the cornerstones of my experiences in Europe. I have that sense of dread when I visit another city yet again, taking the tourist map and starting to find the way to the hostel and mark out attractions to visit. This knee-jerking reaction perhaps arose out of habituation to the thrill of exploring a new city. It seems no longer novel to me looking at architecture of buildings, historical build ups of cities, and the urban landscape of Europe. While habituation is good at times so that it does not lead to constant stimulation to a non-changing environment, we have to train our brain to acknowledge the differences among the similarities so that we can better appreciate them and not take them for granted. This episode of traveling is a classic example of how we can habituate to something essentially so pleasurable that the utility we derive from it diminishes to a negative.

Indeed, the greatest enemy of all is still oneself. We all have the power to enact changes if we want to and put our heart to it, but it is so often overbearing. I belief the greatest gift one can give to himself is an awareness of his or her thinking and emotions, and the ability for self regulation and mediation. This exchange has placed me into an environment that catapults me into instantaneous change – I learnt how to cook for myself, take care of myself, and organize my life. This process will lend itself as significant testimony to how I have the capability to take charge of my life. Something I would like to remind myself – that change always first entails a shift out of the comfort zone. It requires persistent determination till the very end, with the greatest reward lying in the process and not so much the end state. The first step is always the hardest, but the most crucial. Starting on the right footing makes the change process much easier. We have to create a upward spiral – a virtuous cycle that propels us towards the desired change.

On the issue of money – most people, including myself, will find it puzzling that I manage to scrimp and save when I am in Europe, but when it comes to being in Singapore, the spending mentality and pattern seems to be rather different. While it is true that the strength of the euro currency and limited resources I am given (from allowance) governs the bulk of my spending habits, it does not explain why I spend more in Singapore having a restricted allowance also. Certainly the answer may be intuitive to you – food and friends. I spend more on eating out, recreation with friends, leisure activities etc. Things that I will not be willing to spend in a foreign country not because I do not have friends to go out with, but because it is ‘not worth’ to spend when you compare it to sg.  Maybe it is not feasible (not time-worthy) to cook all meals. Neither would you want to be seen as anti-social by always cooking. But now I view it from a different perspective – that all these are mere excuses. I can always spend more euros overseas if the social event is worth attending, and similarly I can cook more meals and save some money at the expense of being labeled anti-social. We have to listen to ourselves. Again, we are the captains of our life – if there are tradeoffs we have to make so that the ship doesn’t sink, we should make tough decisions.

My INSTEP experience has provided me with a fruitful developmental experience away from where I have been living for the past 20 years. As much as the vivid memories remain etched at the back of my mind, it will be my duty to harness these collective insights to advance the next mile of my life.

As for now, it is time to put these realizations into practice. 

Compare and Contrast

No, this isn't a examination question. Not those 'distinguish between' questions which we do sometimes abhor when we do not have pointers to sieve out differences. Compare and contrast takes place outside the academic realm, be it or not we are poor in having sufficient resources to go about it. 

Indeed it comes without surprise that humans being social creatures, we always assess ourselves in someways to ascertain our individual worth and performance. We link all these to our own self-esteem, and also how we perceive ourselves to be effective in accomplishing tasks in life - self-efficacy. It has become a tool so subconscious that we are often warned against its inherent downsides of the never-ending comparative game. If you always compare your performance against the better, you will seem inferior. If you always contrast yourself with higher expectations of others, you will never be satisfied. Well, definitely the other way of comparing also warrants mentioning - comparing with someone inferior to u. Yes we sometimes do so as a self-defense mechanism - to ward off our sense of disappointment or guilt when we have failed to perform up to standards. Self-consolation. This makes us feel better.

Besides the relative assessment function of compare and contrast, what may be more subtle in the entire schema is the creation or emergence/awareness of the two end states which we compare with. Disappointment in failing your exams vs dejectedness when your relationship fail. Elation when you know your friend is coming over for summer vs Euphoria when you struck lottery. We have all these 'grades' or 'levels' of benchmarks created as modes for comparison within us. We do not always compare ourselves with others. More importantly, when we take ourselves as the barometer (which we do not so often), we open up ourselves to a greater platform for growth and development. 

There are a couple of ways which we can harness this internal comparative function as a springboard. Contrasting happiness felt today vs disappointment yesterday makes you feel the difference and magnifies your sense of elation. Explained in another way, that you feel 'much' happier today because you are reminded of the downtimes which have passed you and now 'things are so different'. Well of course, this may not be the biggest cause of your happiness - i mean we must give happiness its due credit to exist for a positive reason, of which it has its own capacity to generate feelings of pleasure. But these 'labels' in us do accentuate the difference.

In addition, it bequeaths us with the gift to appreciate and savor. Happy today, Happier tomorrow. We can appreciate why we are made more happier. Failed a dozen times, getting it right the final time - we certainly know how to savour this great feat of accomplishment. We compare how we manage to achieve results in other domains of our lives vis a vis how we are doing now and start motivating ourselves through perhaps understanding the value of determination. 

We are made many the wiser when we know how to compare against our own internal benchmarks, as opposed to the people around us, whose standards may bear little or no meaning in the context of ours. Comparing with others is often a great human temptation to overcome. It provides the most convenient form of assessment to know where we stand, to get a quick gauge, or rather the 'short-cut'/easy way out. It is not necessarily accurate and is not able to stand on its own as a conclusion to your performance.

OPT-imistic

Optimism has been studied as an internal trait by the many self-help movements, pop psychology. And even among the emerging field of positive psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman has conducted extensive studies and experiments with optimism, publishing many books. One of it, Learned Optimism, reveals that optimism can be cultivated, but often have to be tempered with realism. Being overly optimistic, or constantly optimistic maybe be detrimental to us when it shifts us off tangent with the reality in life and perpetuate the 'things will be fine' mentality.

After reading a fair bit on optimism, i hope i can express some of what i feel being optimistic helps in our lives, and how we can strive towards being optimistic. Is it an option? Can we OPT into it? Recently i encountered a question from a good friend whose words seem to highlight to me the fact it is just human to be pondering about these matters.. matters that are very significant and yet we do not have ready answers for them. Maybe they are subjective, intangible. Maybe people do not realise that there need to be answers to these questions. Just like someone who questions about the existential issues - What is the purpose of life? Not everyone asks these questions all the time, while perhaps they do it at different stages of their life. So the question goes:

你说， 人，怎么才能天天能保持一个良好的心态，消除烦恼，保证几乎每天都积极乐观? 甭管是华人，洋人，还是火星人，那个积极乐观的心态究竟去哪里寻找？

This question asks about finding optimism in each and everyone of us. Where do we find them in face of all the ups and downs in life? Are people born with it?

Before i answer this question, let me first make a few disclaimers: that i am not a professional authority in this area (though i think there wouldn't be anyone who can claim to hold the right answer). So in this case just give what i mentioned a good thought, see if it makes sense to you, and take it with a pinch of salt if it doesn't :)

I believe my answers will not come as surprising or revolutionary to you, because they may be insights which you may arrive at after some thinking. But i first have to have you agree with me that being optimistic is a state of mind which we acknowledge its benefits, and our focus is where do we find this?

It is easy to say that the answer lies IN us. These statements are very generalistic, but not in any aspect less true. In fact, its usually the summary statement that we tell everyone. 'You Hold the Key'. Its all in your mind. Very familiar aspects in the humanistic psychology. Being optimistic is like having an inclination towards something. Its taking a perceived stance on the world around you. And so, as things happen always for a reason, does your optimistic thoughts possess an discerning origin? In simple layman words, does it have a reason to exist?

Indeed, i believe that optimistic thoughts rise from certain learned experiences and incidents that happened in our life. Thats one of the more widespread sources of optimism. As the word learned optimism seem to suggest, we learn all the time, be it from our own experiences, or that of observational learning. Experiences that left a greater impression on us, especially when we were younger, left an indelible mark on us which shaped our thoughts today. We too learn from our recent experiences, but as cognitive and discerning individuals as we grow older, our mind processes our experiences in a more astute and complicated way. So when we come into contact with the world everyday, our mind surfaces these predispositions that were ingrained in us over the years. But, of course all these can be changed.

Thats not a convincing source of optimism, isn't it? It seems to be a passive source, not an active source. Where can we FIND? Telling someone to find something in his or her own pocket does not really answer the question quite appropriately isn't it? (assuming that of course he checked his own pockets before). Then where should we DISCOVER?

Allow me to bring in analogies.

Optimism is like a well. There can be endless supplies of it, but u have to know where the source is. Just like digging for metals, they do not always exists as their pure metal. They exists as unrefined ores, or composite materials. Optimism is often embedded, and disguised in other forms. They not only need to be uncovered, they need to be actively refined and tapped into. One of these sources lies in appreciation in life.

One of my favourite quotes - appreciate your life, and your life will appreciate. Appreciation ignites a source of strength and motivation by paying gratitude to what you already own, achieved, or are in control. It reminds you not to discount your own potential, most importantly your potential to make a change or impact in your own life. You've come thus far through whatever means you have to your current state (whether or not you love your current status, it has nothing to do with your reality). Again i cannot over-emphasize this - whether you are or not satisfied with who you are, where you come from, and what you have achieved so far, it is only a comparative evaluation of our expectations and the reality. You can appreciate that you have achieved nothing. You can appreciate that you have been the last of the cohort. You can basically appreciate anything. Key is you must know how to appreciate. You must know how to take perspective. And that in it requires humbleness, and a heart to accept diversity in this world.

When you can appreciate, you will realise the vast territories of hope. You will acknowledge the expansive unchartered waters that give you plenty of room to grow. You will discover how wonderful a self-empowering opportunity you have been given to be in the current state of reality you are in. Optimism fills you because you have not precluded yourself to the land of possibilities.

Thats the essense of it. Whether you look at optimism as another chance you give to yourself, or the never-say-die attitude that see you persevere on, you'll be sure to know that optimism never comes easy. To be optimistic in face of a mismatch between your actual and perceived reality requires strength and courage. Your courage to belief. Thats another important source.

We all have aims and goals don't we? They need not be that lofty, they can be mundane like finishing my assignment by today, or passing my driving test the next time i take it. Take the latter as an example. We know that we have been practising all day for our driving test. Going up the ramp million times, reverse into those parking lots as if we had all the time in the world to do that, and driving the car as if we had own them. But you know, not all of us are talented in driving. Some are quite clumsy, not used to it etc. No one knows how to drive the car the moment he is born. The issue here is do we belief in ourselves that we will eventually be able to overcome all obstacles and excel in it? In other words, are we willing to belief? How you talk to yourself plays a big role in it. If you've had a pessimistic explanatory style towards your every little glitch in your driving performance, i bet you'd probably just feel like not touching the steering wheel again. But if you want to pass driving very badly, and are so motivated to drive a car, you'd probably tell yourself that you can surely pass it. Self-belief is raised. Self-efficacy is raised. And with this courage to belief, your worldview tends to be altered towards possibility and excellence. Failure is no excuse, failure is temporal. You will make it. Of course, the courage can be spurred on by a host of reasons which will be personal to you. You have to find them, you have to know what makes you tick.

In conclusion, optimism can be opted into, and is an active endeavour that each and every of us are entitled to participate. Conditioning oneself to be sufficiently optimistic will undoubtedly provide a strong impetus in what we do, or aim to do, which will be instrumental in creating a good quality of life.

Permission to be HUMAN

As much as humans seek acknowledgement and affirmation, what is less obvious but yet a truth in many of us is that we all sometimes do not give ourselves chances to be human, i.e. to be ourselves. The cloud of expectations hovering around us seems invisibly thick. These expectations can be imposed by us or by our friends, families or the society at large. The problem isn't with having expectations. It is when we do not meet expectations. It is when things around us do not seem to be happening the right way. And so we start to feel anxious, worrisome, angry etc. Woohoo, guess what happens next?

Of course, if there is a problem, fix it. Thats the most idiot proof and inevitable way out. Try as much to rectify as possible. Find the root cause of it.. see who or what was at fault. Usually its fine if we can isolate an external cause to it. But for those who have a predisposed tendency to blame themselves (aka having an internal locus of control, or perhaps even a pessimistic explanatory style), this finger pointing/fault finding episode usually degenerates into a thrashing of the individual's self esteem. Its me! All my fault! Why did i...? I should not have...! Worse still... I am stupid!

Of course, there are some errors which genuinely deserve us to take the thrashing, like they said, as a gentleman. They require us to 'Repent' (but certainly not for 5 years!). ok no pun intended. Having said so, many of us overstep this boundary in this blame game. Irrational magnifications of problems, coupled with habitual twisted beliefs about oneself, and selective attention to the negatives thrusts us into the core of unrelenting self-reproach and harsh evaluation.

We seem to have forgotten that we afterall possess the ability to misjudge, the capacity to make mistakes, and the capacity to be irrational. Yes, it is not an accidental relapse of our seemingly perfect human ability. I say again, it is not a relapse. We POSSESS these abilities to fall backward. We are born with tendencies to make mistakes. We have to give ourselves space to make them. And by that i mean the unconditional acceptance when bad things happen, and a haven to rehabilitate, and recover from these occasions.

It does not need to be something we have done wrong. It can refer to any form of dissonance we are experiencing. For e.g. we want to feel jealous, but we do not allow ourselves to by rationalizing for e.g that the person is our best friend. Or when u have let out an embarrassing noise in public which makes us feel very bad at ourselves. Well, things may be just not concurring to our perceived reality, but that doesn't mean we have to be emotionally charged over it.

After all, there should be mistakes made in life. There should be awkward moments. There should be uncomfortable situations. There should be jokes made at us. At times we ought to look stupid. At times we are stupid. If we give ourselves the liberty to look and feel out of place, we grant ourselves a ticket to salvaging ourselves from these seemingly undesirable situations.

Looking from an alternative perspective, thats how our lives becomes interesting. Thats how the scenery around us becomes so beautiful. The things that bursts our expectations, incidents that surfaces out of the ordinary, and the surprises that pops out our way.

Indeed, if we would only allow ourselves the right to enjoy them :)

Chirality

Linking life to chemistry is always interesting. And here marks the start of a series of analogues that have spun off my wandering mind, always connecting the dots and trying to think like a philosopher (which in fact may be a product of analysis paralysis)

My many years of chemistry education has taught me about chirality pretty comprehensively. The first time i encountered this term was in JC. Just knowing the + and - enantiomers. Then in uni we learnt about defining R and S. CIP rules, etc. And also from the perspective of symmetry, there goes another definition of chirality, one that lacks an improper axis of rotation (Sn).

Something interesting about chirality is the fact that you are the one and only one existing in the realm of molecules, because even your mirror image is non-superimposable, and thus dissimilar. Indeed, every individual is chiral. Yes, if you consider yourself as an object (the tangible), or your attributes & characteristics (intangibles). We are who we are because of many variables in life which we are different from the rest, arising from a myriad of different factors such as culture, upbringing, environment, dispositions etc.

Lets talk about our mirror images - who are they actually? I would like to advocate that they are how we look from others viewpoint, i.e. the side that people see us as. We are real creatures. How we behave is a reflection of our thoughts and beliefs. We act out our life to fulfil our inner motives. We hope as much to be congruent as possible with who we are as a person interacting with the ever-changing environment. Thats why  they are called mirror images - mathematically positioned to be equi-distant from mirror plane etc. It highlights the supposed perception of who we are from the perspective of others vis a vis our true self. We all know that sometimes its not always the case. Sometimes we try to present to others a false side. Lets leave that topic to another day.

There are similarities despite being chiral. But well, enantiomers share many physical properties and chemical properties, only different with respect of its behaviour to plane polarised light.  We as individuals share common social characteristics, behavioural responses and thought patterns at large. When we are subjected to ethical norms and society benchmarks, we are moulded into right-thinking individuals according to these beacons. We adhere to these beliefs that forge us to our identity as a group. These groups could be cliques, organisations, associations, institutions or even race, religion, and ethnic in nature. Important point here is that we are always classified, categorised and structurally defined to surface our usefulness and value in the world we live in.

In the 3-dimensional world, chirality gives specificity to the molecule. Enzymes in our body require specificity to function properly. Scents differ significantly just because of the difference in the chirality of one stereogenic centre. Chirality unleashes trememdous functional implications. Humans do as well. The attributes we have, the defining characteristics of who we are, are often have its value and implications in our lives. 天生我才必有用. This chinese proverb explains it all. However eccentric we are, we will always be complementary to someone. We will always be able to derive our self-worth in a meaningful way. 天底下必有你容身之处. You are the key. And there will be a lock. Remember the lock and key hypothesis?

Some of us then question - then how about the ability to change ourselves? If we are a bad person (from a molecular point of view maybe a pathogenic molecule or toxin), can we transform into something better? Well, i am a firm believer in humanistic psychology, and yes i will let you know how chemistry also endorses the human potential for change. Well you see, chirality in a molecule can be lost in many ways. Organic chemistry tells us that simple tautomerism may destroy chiral centres. Condensation reactions may eliminate chiral centres. In fact, a list of reactions may do so. Addition reactions can re create chiral centres. And here you go, a set of reactions that can eliminate and generate chiral centres. To take it further, assymetric synthesis allows you to synthesize the exact chirality at the atom of interest. Whew! Interesting isn't it? This begs the question: are we able to cultivate characteristics that we want?

I may have lost some of my readers in the last paragraph because of chemistry content. But nevertheless, i know you guys trust me that i know my chemistry well :P In fact, the concept of chirality in chemistry can have many interesting parallels in our lives. Share with me if you have some! You'll never know what happens when 2 chiral molecules react together. The potential is endless :)

When I Wander..

People wander. Since young when we made our first cries to the world, we started to explore the world. They were to us all fresh and foreign. We wander around all the time. We were undeniably inquisitive. Curious about everything that went round. And we expressed ourselves just as straightforward as we could. There wasn't any holding back. Whatever we felt we needed, we clamored for it.

But as we grew up, influenced by our environment and our upbringing, we learnt about the word 'restraint'. By incessant conditioning (operant or classical), our actions and expressions become abit more systematic and predictable. Some habits start to form, consciously or unconsciously. I would like to say that some of the innocence and fundamental traits as a child were, unfortunately buried.

As we grow smarter and smarter, developed cognitively, we learnt to think for ourselves, and start to reflect about our behaviour. With a brain, we inevitably put it into good use - learning arithmetic, picking up linguistic skills, but at the same time our brain had a role to play in emotional regulation, information filtering, and interpretation. Our brain machinery start to become a factory in which there was a supervisor managing the operation process. Things that we wanted, we took it in. Things that were not so desirable, we would always know where to hide it, dispose it, change it, or process it. We start to develop our own fanciful operating mechanisms and processes such as 'masks', 'emotional veils' and 'defences' that would serve in our best interest and protect us from all sorts of stimuli facing us daily. This marks the start of being more complex as a human.

And this trend progresses on inexorably, with us acquiring more high level and sophisticated skills, such as rationalisation, internal dialogues, disguises, facades, etc. They all seem so natural to us somehow. We can pull it off easily, sometimes subconsciously. Sometimes we become very 'fake' to others, and words like 'superficial' start to pop up describing a person.

It makes me wonder and wander at the same time, that while these skills serve perhaps an evolutionary need, whether we become subservient to them too often that they work against us.

I wander.....

And when one wanders, the mind is set free at once.. not complying any form of premediated mechanisms of the machinery. It is free to think about every possible matter and possibility. Things that would normally escape your thoughts. There are no rules. Our aspirations, desires (even farfetched ones) come knocking on us. And sometimes it seems like a fairytale.. so unadulterated, so idealistic, and feels just like reality (and then you would tell yourself, I WISH). And reality hits at you. Its not real. Or at least you would have to work towards it to make it possible.

I feel that wandering is just like a dream. When u dream at night, they say it is due to matters u think about in the day or perhaps some unresolved issue u have in your mind. When you wander, sometimes your brain goes back to these issues, and help you to seek out solutions, just like an automated machinery. The only difference is of course, it is much more free, though one may argue that many of these thoughts still tread within certain mental boundaries (i.e. we may not be thinking out of the box). How many of us ever have that experience of the AHAH moment when we are just doing something routine for e.g. having a meal, shower, walking back home, etc and we suddenly made a connection or found a solution to our life matters?

The mind seems to be more productive when we are not actively thinking of those issues which we wish to solve! Wandering does have its benefits. But we have to fully utilise these times of wandering. We have to use it to encourage ourselves about the possibilities of our lives. We have to leverage on the platform to remind us that we are larger than life, that impossible is nothing. We have to bring ourselves close to experience the abundance in life, and fit our current situation in a broader context.

Well sometimes when we wander, we can't really control its direction. And we maybe treading on dangerous grounds. Overly contemplative moods and pessimistic ruminations may blow things out of their proportion, and especially negative thoughts. Downward spirals often occur, and sometimes we get plunged to the deep abyss. There are times where it happen to me. And surely, it doesnt feel good. It saps up all my energy, and leaves me in a destitute state.

So when i wander, all sorts of things can potentially happen. As much as my mind is now free, the chain of events that follow wandering may not set me free eventually. Should we really leave our minds to wander? Is it really worth the bet?

Some people will get more positive returns than the other. They are in general more optimistic and have a larger generalised positive affect (what we describe in psychology) for a tendency to feel more uplifted and upbeat about things.I know thats not to a large extent true in me. But i still love to wander about the positive things in life. About how things will turn out well. At least i try to force myself to think about it, just like many people consciously seek to shut themselves out from the unpleasant.

Always trying to apply the law of attraction, focusing on the positives and making it a reality. Sometimes i really wish life is not so complicated. Humans can express themselves freely, and say what they want to the other person's face. But we can't. And i know i face a big problem at this. I nonetheless experience a rich amount of emotions behind my seemingly composed and nonchalant appearance.

And so when i wander, things that don't get expressed start to fill up my thoughts like air filling its space in a balloon. I know why i wander now, because most of the time, these issues remain unresolved. But they take time. They challenge me to move out of my comfort zone, and push myself to my limits. I just have to be wary of the emotional traps that may be unleashed.

Habituation

Habituation exists as a biological adaptive response to repeated stimuli so as to attenuate its effect. As far as the realm of senses are concerned, habituation has served its role pretty well. We no longer treat the engine noise of the airplane as disturbing and soon fall into sleep, and to those who listen to music while doing other work, you prefer the music to remain in the background of your focus, and thats what habituation has achieved for you.

On the flip side, habituation has been a disservice at times when people take whatever is happening in front of them as being routine. Good things or bad things alike. When you repeatedly achieve success or good results, we start to give lesser credit to our diligence which has brought us there. It is being thought of as something innate and inherent in us so much that we forgot that it was once a cherished object or a prized possession. Yes, we underappreciate those around us. Our mind is seeking for something novel, something different to focus on. What was done is casted to the very back of our mind.

Life is always in abundance. There are always many perspectives to take on a subject matter, always many positions, solutions, and resolutions to take in a circumstance or situation. A multitude of responses to fit our desired aims.People are often stuck in decision making because their minds fail to see the possibilities, a much often product of habituation. We expect the same outcome everytime, the same way of doing things, and even similar mistakes. The only constant in this world is change, unfortunately. And so, our minds should not be set to habituation.

In working on the same piece of assignment, making the same flavour of coffee, or ringing the same doorbell, there are always new surprises. We have to be prepared. Applying it to unfavourable circumstances, we ought to think optimistically about the chain of events that occur. It may turn in our favour anytime. We have to be proactive in seizing control of ourselves and opportunities that arise instead of lamenting and grudging the plate of sour fruits in front of us.

Maybe afterall, its easier said then done. Many people are still on autopilot. Treating people around them the same way it is. Expecting things to turn out nicely and as per default. And when things don't, they place all their attention to the anomaly that occurred, the black sheep that people ofte single out, and the thorn among the roses. Doesn't that sound all too familiar? What if they are not odd? They are just unique and new?

It is perhaps in human's natural tendency to habituate. Since young, we seek safety and security in our caregivers. We try to conceive patterns of behaviour in our environment. We follow rules and norms. We obey instructions and live by our own set of protocols. We may have inadvertently tuned our minds to adhere to a set of standards for everything we do. Thats perfectly fine, because thats what create law and order at a societal level, and peace on a global scale.

But on an invidividual level, we ought to be conscious to the degree of our habituation. Always question ourselves on our thoughts and behaviour. Are they just extensions of previous expectations and experiences?

Things happen for a reason. When we start giving out the right acknowledgement and attributes to the right things and people, we will be on the right track to a happier life.